Happy New Year?

Bored. Writing forums are down. Might as well write bad jokes in a kind of snarky way.

McKeon doles out "should-be" New Year's Resolutions.

Not sarcasm: I am thrilled that he punctuated "New Year's" correctly.

Gary Bettman: I resolve to get on my soap box and … well … stand six inches taller.

I had no idea what this meant, but thought it might be because I was unclear about the definition of 'getting on one's soap box.' Wikipedia says:

"The term is also used metaphorically to describe a person engaging in often flamboyant impromptu or unofficial public speaking, as in the phrases "He's on his soapbox", or "Get off of your soapbox.""

So, Bettman needs to give an impromptu, semi-preachy, public speech? And... presumably, the result of this is that he'll literally be taller (I could almost see "being taller" in the metaphoric sense if there was anything in the sentence that implied this in the least).

Brian Burke: I resolve to never speak to Kevin Lowe again. Oh, wait, I already said that last summer.

I went to look up Brian Burke (for some reference RE: speaking to Kevin Lowe) and found this, which greatly amused me.

The feeble attempt at sarcasm aside, I'm not sure this makes sense (and somehow, this still surprises me). I mean, as far as I know, there hasn't really been a public scuffle between the two since the whole Penner shebang. Why rehash and make fun of something that happened months ago? Not to mention that, apparently, Burke has a kind of reputation for "wearing his heart on his sleeve." Wouldn't both of them just want to get over themselves and move on, speaking to each other when it befitted their respective teams, if need be?

Kevin Lowe: I resolve to remind Brian Burke that without Chris Pronger, the Ducks don't win the Cup.

Not even getting into the validity of Pronger's impact on the Ducks (which isn't at all to imply it was huge or small)... the rationale here is, "I traded you a player three years ago (and got some pretty damn good picks in return, plus prospects), so you're not allowed to be annoyed when I do something questionable." Makes sense to me!

Roberto Luongo: I resolve to shrink my pads.

Roberto Luongo: I resolve allow more goals for... someone's benefit? Ross McKeon's amusement?

Martin St. Louis: I resolve to not get lost in Roberto Luongo's pads.

O_________o

...that's what she said.

Sorry.

Wayne Gretzky: I resolve to throw on a pair of those thermo skates and give this game one more whirl.

At the ripe age of 47!

Seriously...

Seriously? You'd really put your eggs in that basket? If you say so, Ross.

Thornton: I resolve to shoot the puck even more than I'm already shooting it this season.

That he's on pace for more goals than he's had in any season (save 05-06) since 02-03 is immaterial, I guess. Thornton should adjust his game.

Don Waddell: I resolve to hire a coach.

Dean Lombardi: Ditto. Oops! I've already got one, I just forgot

Is this a shot at Lombardi for being crappy, at the coach for being crappy, or both? And really... this is the best you can come up with?

Sean Avery: I resolve to win the Lady Byng Trophy before my career is over.

Why the hell would he do that? Avery is, at his core, a decent player; He's good for maybe 10-20 goals and 20-40 points. But the whole point of a Sean Avery, or a Donald Brashear, or a non-crazy Chris Simon is that the drive people insane. Avery would not be the same player without this. The Rangers are very obviously not the same team without this. Why, barring serious head trauma or something, would he change?

Daniel Briere: I resolve to stop looking younger than Patrick Kane – even though I'm 12 years older.

This definitely completely relates to hockey.

Sidney Crosby: I resolve to stop making it look so damn easy.

Sidney Crosby: I resolve to play worse. Look out, Luongo!

Evgeni Malkin: I resolve to emerge from that big shadow No. 87 casts.

Maybe (likely) this is just the view of someone who sees the Penguin play a lot because of the interdivision-ness, but I know very well that Malkin is a dangerous player. Malkin scares me. Having Crosby on the same team doesn't really detract from my knowing Malkin is a good young player. *shrug*

Chris Chelios: I resolve to play longer than Gordie Howe, yet shorter than it probably took to get some of the lines in this column.

Well, in the end, at least he admits it was piece fueled by desperation.

Ehh. That was boring. Not worth it.